Look at you. You're jumpy. You're like prison bitch jumpy.
I told you that we shouldn't have come here.
No, no, no, no, no.
We have to go back in there and confront your mother.
There has to be another way.
Well, I hear you rappin' Sister McCrappin'.
Okay, there are two ways to regress you.
One involves your mother, your shame core,
and a grueling process of intense self-examination.
- What's the other way? - Well...
What does this sound like?
I am making diarrhea sounds with my cup.
I'm regressing you.
Someone's in here. Someone's in here!
Yes. You are laughing!
Why am I laughing, man?
Look what you did to my jacket.
Ball-gazer!
Go ahead!
You bastard. You totally caught me in a ball-gaze.
Congratulations, you have been regressed.
I own you!
- Yes, you own me. - That was easy.
But with ownership comes responsibility.
It was at this point that I realized
that my student was finally shedding his defenses.
What are you doing?
He said while eating a chicken wing.
I am talking into my voice-over machine.
So, the Leafs lose game two by a whopping six-to-one score.
The Leafs look rattled without Roanoke.
- It's Darren Roanoke. - You mean Roan-choke more like.
That's great. Nice hat.
- I had a hat like that once. - Yeah?
Then my mom got a job.
Looks like I'm gonna have to shove these love beads someplace special.
You got a problem?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me handle this.
There are two things about violence they teach you when becoming a guru.
The first thing is,
an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.
The second thing is,
never ever watch the bottle.
You son of a bitch!
It's a bar fight!
Down, down!
Watch out!
- Well done! - Nice job!
Hold on, hold on.
Niagara Falls is amazing.
Darren.
Just because your mother only loved you
when you achieved
doesn't mean that Prudence will only love you when you achieve.
I was afraid that Prudence would leave me
if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
- so I left Prudence first. - That's it!
However, we must confront your mother.
Prudence always wanted me to stand up to my ma.
- I know. - I miss Prudence.
I miss the connection.
- Connection. - Yeah.
Making love. Falling asleep in each other's arms.
Sometimes we would wake up a couple hours later,
and it'd be like we were the only two people in the world.
Prudence would stare into my eyes, and she'd say...
- Damn. - Damn.
It sort of became our song.
You are a very lucky man.
I would like to have a "damn" moment like that someday.
How can you be the Love Guru if you've never been in a relationship?
Well, there is someone I like.
But until I learn to love myself,
I can only go out with three girls named Ann.
- Three girls named Ann? - Yeah.
Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
Ann Job!
Well, you know, I deflect because of the pain.
I gotta get my girl back, GP.
Otherwise, what am I gonna do with this?
I have two tattoos.
One tattoo is the Drama tattoo,
which signifies the self-determinist philosophy
of the Tugginmypudha Ashram.
And what's the other tattoo?
Daffy Duck pushing a lawn mower through my pubes.
Look, he's dancing. Yeah. Right.
Ball-gazer! Oh, my God! There you go!
The ball-gazing student has become the ball-gazing master.
- Saying I love you - Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you not to say
But if you only knew
How easy it would be to
- Show me how you feel - Show me how you feel
- More than words - More than words
- Is all you have to do to make it real - Is all you have to do to make it real
- Then you wouldn't have to say - Then you wouldn't have to say
- That you love me - That you love me
- 'Cause I'd already know - 'Cause I'd already know
- More than words - More than words
That was great!
Thank you, Speedy. That's great.
Mariska Hargitay. That's great.
That was lovely. But we need to talk about Darren.
- This is a disaster. He's my only... - Jane! Do you trust me?
I do trust you.
I'm not really sure why.
It's the beard. It makes me look like Santa.
And by the way, you look breathtaking.
- Thank you. - As do I.
Come. My staff has prepared a lovely meal.
- Wow. - Right?
I am so hungry I could eat a skunk's bottom.
Which is a lot like calamari. But that's not what we're having tonight.
Rajneesh will now prepare a dish
made of two lychees wrapped in a doughy pouch.
- It's called Kartapal Birigalapatt. - What's that mean?
Nuts in a sling.
Oh, thanks, but I'll pass.
Very well, I'll have your nuts in a sling.
Cough.
Reject this man. Not fit for military service.
Would you like your nuts to be crushed?
Doesn't everyone? Who is this guy?
Geronimo!
That is our safe word.
Now, we get the nuts nice and hot, so they tighten up and get firm.
That's good.
Feels good. I mean, tastes good. I mean, what?
You want curlies on your nuts?
Do I look like a child? Of course I want curlies on my nuts.
Don't forget your pickle.
- Would you like some soup instead? - Yes.
Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy.
Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.
Here it is. There's your soup. Watch out! It's dangerous!
You're as cute as pie.
I haven't laughed like this in such a long time.
Why not?
It's hard to laugh when men only see you as some curse.
Jane, there is no curse.
You're just afraid of intimacy, or into-me-l-see.
Remember, being vulnerable is being woundable.
I say take the risk.
- Well, that's easy to say and hard to do. - Is it?
What's the downside of throwing away your fear?
The only way out is in.
I think I'm about to risk something.
- What's wrong? - We can't do this.
What? You tell me to be vulnerable,
and then you turn around and wound me?
- I can explain. - Okay, go ahead.
I can't explain.
- I should go. - No, Jane, wait! I...
Jane! Jane!
Game three here in Los Angeles. The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.
They are one game away from a Stanley Cup victory.
They can't be happy in the Leafs' locker room right now.
I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second. Have they dropped the puck?
Damn it! We're down three games
because you decided you couldn't win without Roanoke.
And you! You're just a stupid rich girl!
You were born on third, and you think you hit a triple!
You don't know hockey!
- Are you finished? - No!
- Now I'm finished! And, Pitka! - Yes?
- What's the capital of Thailand? - Bangkok.
Exactly.
Omar Sharif, my balls!
My balls, you prick!
- Stay down, bitch! - Okay.
Jane! Jane, wait!
He's right! I'm just a stupid rich girl about to be a huge failure.
Failure? There's no such thing as failure.
Only early attempts at success.
You know what? I hired you to fix Darren Roanoke. Do your job!
Your Holiness, I spoke with the producers at Oprah,
and if they don't see Darren and Prudence together by the next game,
your spot will go to Deepak.
But Darren is not ready! He must truly deal with his mother.
- And I will not take a shortcut. - Take a shortcut!
Do you want to be the next Deepak Chopra or not?
Babu, you cannot take a shortcut.
But I need to become the next Deepak Chopra!
But how will you get Grande away from Prudence?
I have one idea that just might work. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the incredible Miss Celine Dion!
Celine! It is my day of lucky!
What'll you have?
- A martini. - All right, then.
Jacques Grande. Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"
Jacques and I get along just fine.
You have, what we call in the guru business,
"love without knowledge."
But what you had with Darren is love with knowledge.
A real connection.
Come by my ashram tomorrow at noon.
I will show you a Darren who is completely changed.
Do you think he's really changed?
I mean, he can't even play in front of his own mother.
She's like kryptonite to him.
Can't play in front of his mother?
Hey! I said stay away from the girl!
Rajneesh, let's make like a baby and head out.
- So you went to see your mother? - Yes.
But did you stand up to her?
He doesn't have to stand up to his mother.
- Yes, he does! - Not now, Kato.
Now, aren't there a few more steps in your Drama plan?
- Yes. Maturity and Action. - Beat it, Rajneesh.
Yes. We did Maturity and Action.
"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we went to Buffalo and we saw his ma.
Right. See?
You see, I left 'cause I was scared that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
you would leave me.
But I don't care if you win the Stanley Cup.
Can you forgive me?
Of course I can forgive you.
Stick a fork in them, they're done.
Champers wishes!
It would be great if you could stick around for a while.
You know, just to make sure Darren's okay.
Yes, of course. Yeah, business. Yes, of course.
Would His Holiness staying on qualify as an extension?
Pants! Sheket Bevakasha!
Because if that were the case, we would refuse payment.
- Of course, I'll stay, Jane. - Until we get the call from Oprah.
Go to your naughty mat, Dick!
Miss Bullard.
Mariska Hargitay.
Your Holiness? Mark my words, this shortcut will haunt you.
- Congratulations. - Well done.
Game four here in Los Angeles.
The Kings are one win away from a Stanley Cup victory.
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke! - Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
This is it, folks. Game four.
If Roanoke doesn't pull through, it's all over for the Leafs.
Roanoke with the puck.
- He shoots! He scores! - Yeah!
Wasting no time after his suspension, he is back!
The end of game four, and the Leafs take it two to zero.
Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs advance to game five.
Go Leafs.
Game five here in Los Angeles. Can the Leafs do it again?
Roanoke just playing amazing!
Goal! And game five goes to the Leafs! An incredible comeback!
Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs have got the Kings on the run.
And look at this crowd! They are guru crazy!
Game six here in Toronto!
Beautiful pass!
Go! Go! Go!
Roanoke on a breakaway! Five-hole trap!
Grande saves! Roanoke denied!
- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders. - And I'm Jay Kell.
Roanoke fell for the five-hole trap.
For those of you who don't know what that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."
There are four holes. One for each corner.
The five-hole is here, between the legs.
You can try to beat him here. Or here. Or even way down here.
Thanks, Jay. Let's get back to the action.
Roanoke has done it! We're all tied!
The Leafs have won three straight games!
Game seven will be in Toronto.
- Hey! - It's down to one game.
Get me out of here, pricks!
...champion. I just got the call. You are 100% booked on Oprah.
Great.
I got on Oprah, right?
- I'm the next Deepak Chopra, right? - You are.
He's definitely in.
- Doesn't feel good, does it? - Get off my tits!
Congratulations.
Darren and Prudence are back together, we got a shot at winning the Cup,
and you got on Oprah. I suppose all that's left is...
The check.
Yeah. Here we go.
Oh, my pretty. Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.
Now, if any of your other players have any professional catastrophe,
personal pain, or a drug addiction, please do not hesitate to call.
Your Holiness, the check and I will be in the car.
- Cheerio. - Bye.
- I guess you got everything you wanted. - Not everything, Jane.
Well, say there was this guru, say.
And this guru was, you know, handsome, you know,
had a nice gleam in his eye, a nice tuck in his butt, say.
And say this guru, maybe not me, maybe somebody else,
had a certain vow.
What kind of vow?
Forget about it. Just Etch A Sketch everything I was saying.
Mariska Hargitay.
Well, here we go. Game seven.
It all comes down to this, ladies and gentlemen.
Who do you like tonight, Jay?
Jay?
I like the Christmas babies, Trent!
And I like the way my skin feels when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket!
By your command.
You're back on drugs, aren't you?
Yes, I am, asshole-face man!
By the power of Gahar, I command thee to vanish!
- Let's see what's happening rinkside. - No!
Well, here comes Lucy the elephant.
I cannot be killed but with fire!
The Deluca Brothers Circus is coming to town. Isn't that just adorable?
Well, whoever wins tonight walks away Stanley Cup champions.
Listen up! It's down to one game, and we've got the momentum!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Why you got your heads down?
We can beat these clowns.
Besides, I still have a few trick on my sleeve.
Flight 22 to Chicago is now boarding at Gate Five.
Our plane leaves in 20 minutes. The people at Oprah are very excited!
That's great.
Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing The Star-Spangled Banner,
mother of Leafs' center, Darren Roanoke, Lillian Roanoke.
That's Darren's mother! Quaking pudding!
Hi, baby!
What do I do?
I don't know!
Oh, say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
Hey!
Roanoke is freaking out...
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
No, no! Nothing to see here. Our plane is about to leave for Oprah,
and we have to go realize every dream we've ever had.
I am not going with you, Dick.
Oh, no! No!
If you don't get on that plane, I will take 60% of the ashram!
Fine. I don't need material things.
I was put on this earth to spread a message of peace and love.
- Give me that ticket! Give me it! - No! Please, no!
You will never be the next Deepak Chopra!
What?
Box him out!
Oh, damn.
At the end of the first period,
the Kings lead the Leafs, one to nothing.
And the question on everyone's mind is, where's Roanoke?
Baby, are you all right?
I can't play in front of you, Ma!
It's all my fault for not putting more pressure on you to succeed.
- Yes. - Hello?
Jane, I'm on my way.
- I thought you said he was cured! - I was wrong.
Tell Coach Cherkov to buy some time!
Okay.
Sir, please, please make sure it's locked, sir. Please, over there.
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
Dell Computers, this is Chip.
Rajneesh, I... Wait a second, who is Chip?
I took another job.
Rajneesh, you have to come meet me!
I must finish my job with Darren.
- you're back, babu! - yes!
Bodhisattva!
- Boo! You suck, Bullard! - No, you suck!
You can say bad things about me, but I won't say bad things about myself!
So, guess what? You can all just kiss my Canadian ass!
Cherkov, Pitka's coming. You...
Are you as turned on as I am right now?
You're a bad, bad person.
I'll take that as a yes.
Pitka's coming. Just stall.
Hey, ref! Time-out!
Leafs call their last time-out.
- Darren? - Come on, baby.
- Jane! - You lied to me!
Yes. I only pulled away from you because of this.
My name is the Guru Pitka, and I wear a chastity belt.
So, you didn't reject me. You're just devoted to a higher purpose.
Yes, Jane.
Superstar, it's me, Guru Pitka!
Good luck. He won't even let me in.
Darren, I took a shortcut with you, and I'm sorry.
Now, what is it you can't face?
- What did you say to me? - What is it you can't face?
- I can't face my ma. - Then that's what you have to face.
- Will you help me? - I can't.
You're on your own when it comes to your mother.
Darren, the only way out is in.
Yes, yes, yes, it's good.
It's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good.
What the hell happened to you?
Ma! I'm a grown man, and I can take it from here.
I love you.
I love you, baby boy.
Now, how long will it take you to get dressed and get down to the ice?
- Five minutes. - Well, you better hurry up,
'cause there's only six minutes left in the game!
Go, baby boy! Go, go, go, go, go!
I think I made a happy wee-wee. Yeah.
Come on. Let's go quickly! Come on. Come, come. Hello?
Action picks up here in game seven with only 31 seconds left to go.
- Coach, I'm ready. - Get in there!
Darren Roanoke is in the game!
Hey, Rob Blake. The first thing they teach you about hockey
is never ever watch the puck.
Roanoke's going for the Ice Slam!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
We're all tied up, folks, with only eight seconds left!
- Seven, six, five, four... - Seven, six, five, four...
This is it, folks.
Roanoke on the breakaway, just him and Grande!
With one second left! It's a penalty shot.
Roanoke could win the Stanley Cup here.
Hey!
Listen, Darren, I know we are rivals, but fate chose these sides, not us.
So, before you take this shot, I just need to say
damn!
Show it to me.
Damn!
I don't know what Grande just said to Roanoke, but he is now out to lunch.
Superstar! What did he say to you?
He said, "Damn!"
"Damn!" Quaking pudding. That's not good.
- Cherkov, call a time-out. - We're out of time-outs.
Just buy us some time.
He needs a distraction. Jane, follow me!
He's gotta take the shot, now!
I promised myself I'd never do this.
Hey, ref! I'm having a heart attack.
Out of the way! Coach! Coach!
Get the crash kit!
- Sir, may I borrow your elephant, Lucy? - Sure.
Bodhisattva!
Come, come! Come on, boy! Elephant coming through!
Come on, Bodhi! Let's go quickly! Come on, Bodhi!
Clear!
Yes!
Get busy, Bodhi.
Eight seconds!
What do you make of this?
I think they're doing it, Trent. I think they're doing it hard.
Let's go to the Kellistrator.
The ultimate distraction!
- I love you. - I love you.
Post-ejaculation, the barbs at the tip of the penis retract.
Bing-bam-boom, you got a baby pachyderm. Back to you, Trent.
Now, what happens if you don't score this goal?
I'd still be a hero
to me!
Yes! "Gee, you are you." TM.
Go get 'em!
Come on, Roanoke! Let's go!
Five-hole!
No!
Five-hole trap!
The Toronto Maple Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
- I love hockey! I love hockey! - I love hockey, too!
They did it!
The curse is over for the Leafs, and I need to sleep!
We didn't waste time. We didn't waste no time.
- Maurice? - Deepak Chopra!
Oprah called me, and she said you canceled.
I told her she should give you another chance.
As great as you are, I don't need to become the next Deepak Chopra.
I am the first Guru Pitka!
You are free.
You're a good man, Deepak Chopra.
Hey, Pitka? Sorry I punched you in the nuts.
That's okay. Give me a hug.
If you ever sucker punch me again,
I'll kick your ass all the way back to the Keebler factory.
Give me a pound. Lock it down.
Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.
- You. - No, you.
- Come on now, you. - No, you.
Well, no, you.
And so our story ends where it all began,
here in the tiny Indian village of Harenmahkeester,
in the valley of Lintinmybelli.
Oh, hi.
- Maurice. - Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.
Thank you.
Maurice. You have finally learned to love yourself.
You may now renounce your vow of chastity.
May I have the key?
There is no key. There never was.
There's a snap in the back.
Thank you, Guru Tugginmypudha. Yeah.
Are you leaving?
The last rule of guru is to rid student of the need of guru.
Yes, of course.
Okay, see you.
Doesn't work sometimes.
So, what do you want to do now?
Well, I've been wearing this belt since I was 12 years old.
What do you think I want to do now?
I want to sing!
Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
Because I speak of the pompatus of love
'Cause I'm a picker I'm a grinner
- I'm a lover - I'm a lover
- And I'm a sinner - And I'm a sinner
- I play my music in the sun - I play my music in the sun
- I'm a joker - I'm a joker
- I'm a smoker - I'm a smoker
- I'm a midnight toker - I'm a midnight toker
- I get my loving on the run - I get my loving on the run
I am the love guru, yeah
He's a picker He's a grinner
He's a lover He's a sinner
He plays his music in the sun
I'm a joker I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I get my loving on the run
Starting mark.
Hey, Peter, can we move the camera in?
All I can see is asses.
Now you know what it's like.
Bravo, Verne, bravo.